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Review: Swerve™ Sugarless Gum

I was greeted today by something very interesting; Gum. Not just any gum, but new, never-before-tasted-by-the-public gum.

For some of you (rather, most), The Human Preservation Project isn’t something you’re familiar with. But those of us privileged few who have been following the project know that it is a viral campaign and ARG based around 5 Gum. Over the past few months, serious fans of gum have been treated with countdown clocks, flash games, paper trinkets, and videos featuring Terry O’Quinn. Read more after the jump

I have been lightly interested, having received a broken paper trinket in the mail and forgetting to check the countdown clocks because fuck countdown clocks. Today however, my hard work paid off in gum.

Calm down, bitch

I opened my padded black envelope to find three things: a Test Subject badge with my sexy face on it, a piece of paper with some jargon on it (probably the code to activate Russian sleeper agents), and of course the super-new gum.

Upon unsealing the pack of gum I was greeted to the face-slappingly powerful scent of citrus. This would normally be a letdown because I don’t like fruity gum that doesn’t come in zebra stripes, but this stuff smelled good enough to try out.

The second negative of course was the sugarless aspect. To me, sugarless gum is like the electric car of the gum world. It’s a neat idea but it ultimately just makes you look like an idiot. Nevertheless, I opened the package, took note of the code printed inside, and took out an orange strip.

The following is my collected thoughts while chewing a single strip of the gum.

6:07 The immediate taste of the gum is just like the smell. A very powerful, tropical fruit flavor. Surprisingly good for sugarless gum

6:10 After three minutes the gum still tastes pretty good. Not as powerful as the first 30 seconds, but still good

6:10:30 Spoke t0o soon. I’m already getting that faux-sugar taste after every chew

6:11 The gum is already losing flavor fast. I’m trying to chew around for better tasting spots, but overall we’ve moved into the “This is gonna go soon” phase

6:12 I kind of want to find a trash can right now, but for the sake of research, I’ll keep chewing

6:12:30 Found another good spot

6:12:45 That didn’t last long. Back to bland

6:15 The gum is now completely unenjoyable and starting to get a little hard. I will however, continue chewing

6:17 I’m not sure if the gum or my mental state is different, but I’m alright with the gum right now

6:18 I’m idly chewing while checking out the swag. The backside of my Test Subject badge has what appears to be an AR code along with some symbols and the “icefly” that adorns all of the ARG-related items. I currently have no idea what to do with this or where I will ever wear it. Maybe I’ll try to get into the local CIA facility disguised as an Olive Oil store. Seriously how does an Olive Oil store stay in business in this economy? Has to be a front for something.

I'm onto you two.

6:23 I can’t take it anymore. I’m taking out the gum

So I lasted for 16 minutes of chewing, though the overall enjoyment period of that was significantly less. Let’s break down this whole experience:


  • The gum was free and came in the mail.
  • It smells nice
  • It tastes really good for the first three minutes
  • My dogs appear to be obsessed with the smell
  • The flavor lasts for about 5 minutes, after that it goes downhill quickly
  • The after-taste is lingering and is quite unpleasant
  • My girlfriend thinks my breath now smells like fruity balls. This would be a plus for my balls, but a definite minus for my mouth.
  • Sugarless gum is deadly to dogs so that positive is more of a negative
So overall we have three positive and four negatives, but I honestly can’t say that I would give this gum any kind of praise. The flavor is fleeting and quickly gives way to terrible tasting crap. Maybe being a mint-with-sugar-leaning gum chewer makes me a bad reviewer for this product, but they sent me the stuff so that’s not my problem.
In conclusion:
Don’t buy if you don’t already like the taste of sugarless fruity gum.
Do buy if you are accustomed to the flavor of fruity balls.
I’ll continue posting about the ARG and viral campaign as I see fit and if I get more free crap.
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